Saturday, August 12, 2006

Sad Friday

Maybe, you've noticed I haven't been writing as much lately. I'm sorry for that some of you have thanked me for the stories, I write and that alone, encourages, me to keep writing for the ones who like them. Sadly I have been bitten, by the depression bug, "I'm having an emotional break down I think?". I'm having panic attacks that are very scarey. I haven't went to the Hospital because I'm afraid of what they may tell, me or maybe, when I get there they'll strap me down and make me higher, than I want to be, or Lower, than I want to be.

I haven't been feeling well for several weeks now and it's getting a lot worse than I had realized. Feelings of what has happened in my life. The loss of my first wife due to a divorce we went through. The loss of another wife through yet another divorce I was really young, back in the seventies, again in the eighties, For some reason Three marriages didn't work one because of adultry on her part of course and another to adultry I guess I just didn't pick-em right. I realize we all make mistakes in life but when someone feels they can't deal with out cheating then your on your own in my book.

I wonder, if and where, I went wrong to live the way I have to live. Child Support is killing me I'm disabled due to smoking for thirty five years. I just recieved a call from Disabilitie Services telling me that I no longer have Oregon Health Plan because I make to much money yet I'm living on five hundred and eleven dollars a month. I have always loved the memories that I have as a child growing up yeah dad thought he was a comedian and laughed at all of our down falls and he was even the instigator of some of them also.

A couple of years ago I wrote a poem about a special camera my sister gave to me when I was a young boy and it goes into detail of the reasons why it was so special to me due to the fact it holds lots of memories and how could you leave it behind with so many wonderful memories and good times that were recorded with this special camera.....

A Camera Special To Me

If my house was on fire and there was only one item I could save it would have to be the camera my older sister Shirley once gave to me. This camera sends my mind back to once when I was young; there are so many memories of the things that we had done. Camping trips, Disneyland, even the Grand ole opry traveling across route 66 no longer a reality, but still the highway we traveled to see our distant family. Barbeques, Volleyball, we even swam the great Cumberland Lake this camera holds lots of memories in the pictures my father would always take. So if my house were on fire and there was only one item I could save it would have to be the camera my older sister Shirley once gave to me.

This weekend Friday the eleventh, of August 2006 I went to my fathers house to visit my sister and her family that came up from California for a visit, as I sat on the front deck outside I noticed a big box of pictures of all The Moon Kids when we were young children. When Mom and Dad were younger too there were School pictures, Vacation pictures, family gatherings, everything families do. I looked over to my Sister Shirley and asked her if she remembered some of the pictures I was holding up for her to look at She said yes I remember.

Dad was sitting outside with us and I asked "why are all the pictures sitting out here?" His reply was "were throwing them away" I couldn't believe what I heard from him I started looking at all of my childrens pictures that were given to Mom and Dad The "Grandparents" when they were younger and just starting out having a family. Most Normal GrandParents would keep them on the wall in their house or setting on a shelf somewhere displayed and proud to be seen by visitors who stop by and visit or at least let my kids see the pictures of me when I was a little boy.

All of the memories of us when we were young thrown in the trash as if our life didn't matter and all the family Gatherings doesn't mean anything to him. I've often wondered if he ever loved his kids because of the way he treated them I've often wondered if he ever cared for us Why he never encouraged his children to strive for the best they could achieve. I know he cared he showed it in so many, ways. We had great christmas's,We had great food and we had nice clothes to wear, we enjoyed many great vacations,too.

The way I see it is once he lost everything he had by divorcing Mom and running off with his new bride wasn't enough he wants to destroy the memories too, but to throw away the pictures of all your children is simply Idiotic.


Blogger shmamber said...

I am not really one that can offer much for advice to help with panic attacks because I do not have them and I can not offer much for the financial problems because it seems we are all having them these days...

I think you should do a lot more writing when you are down though that always helps me. You don't have to publish it on here but you could make another blog for those thoughts. Writing it out helps a lot. I have endured many hard times in my short life already I think I deserve a good end to Things can't get as bad as they once were...

Each and every relationship was special no matter what the end result was... hold on to the good moments. Just like your dad forgot that special moments were important so have you... We learn because of the experience we have had, sure no one likes to fail but there is a reason for everything I am sure. We are learning everyday.

I hope you feel better soon. You may ask Princess what you can do for those Panic Attacks she is a Psych nurse and may have some ideas for you... she is an amazing person too so don't worry she won't judge you for asking either.

Take care... I will be thinking of you.

9:46 AM  
Blogger Casie Maeve said...

I hope you get happy again. I have battled depression also. I have tried to commit suicide. I used to have take pills to ward off panic attacks, and suicidal thoughts.

Just remember, it ain't worth it. Things always turn up, someday. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but always soon. Just keep that in mind.


7:15 PM  

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